Who does Classroom Culture and Community Serve?

My thoughts today revolved around the issue of how much my negativity has influenced my classroom culture and environment.  As a student teacher I found myself quickly not adhering to the classroom culture -or from my personal perspective- lack of a classroom culture (community).  Now I have had my ups and downs, my in-between between's, about following the lead, swimming up my own current, trying new things out when I could squeeze them in, but truly, when you're at the end of it all (Graduate school) less and less can be helped. More and more do I find myself scrapeing up what I can in order to instruct these students, by means of modeling, showing and supporting, kindness and friendship towards each other; I am also looking for the last shreds of interest and motivation for them to know and see why school is important.
Even when you are belittled in front of your peers.
Even when you are told that you better pay attention because you keep getting it wrong.
Even when you're told passively that you really just can't seem to manage, can you?
Sigh.

And then I think, what part of my defeat and frustration and negativity are factoring into this lack of community?  And then really, when I walk down into another layer of thought, I think: Are my cultural social/emotional customs of value across all race and ethnicity?  Is there a white flair to the ideas of compassion, mindfulness, and instruction of these students (those future citizens mind you)?  Does this reach out to those men, who living in a female dominated household, in a female dominated profession, does this attune to growing and developing them to be who they are and who they need to be today?  Does this idea/value of teaching a classroom culture hold up to one who has 17 years of experience in the teaching profession?  Am I just another novice teacher, walking into a low socio-economic, Title One, Behavior room school, thinking that she has the answer to equity? Like a prize to be held, "I'll fix this one!" the white woman shouts across the room, "I've got it this time!".

And then, as Anita Bright would say, "Why are you looking at me?  I don't have all the answers....", her shoulders in a up-turned stuck position, her small round shining blue eyes would look at each and everyone of us. thoughtfully. carefully.

What do high standards, home environments, emotional neglect and trauma and teaching philosophy all have to do with one another?

I watch these students struggle socially and academically, and I don't wonder, what really can I do as a teacher?  In these last few weeks I am holding on to my last shreds of hope for these students.  My last and final words to share to them that they Can truly be more than what biases and social norms would have them be.  My last final moments to shout, "You can think and do and be and see For Your Self,".

You reminded me how to play, and I hope I can remind you to find you, to be that ripe juicy star hanging bright in this crazy sky.

My Yaya always said, "Dear child, those lights up there, up in the heavens, why those are just the bodies of our loved ones.  Moving sweetly across the sky, they are there, and so you will be too some day.  Shine. Shine brightly from with in, so that each may see you from with out."